Survival mode. A state of living noone should have to constantly be in, let alone a child. Others can see it and often incorrectly describe it.
As a child, I was called “an old soul”, “mature for your age”, “quiet”, “oppositional defiant”, etc. It was a regular assumption of the person I wasn’t. And I hated it.
I remember, at the age of 7, when I stepped into my first group home/orphanage and felt the extreme need to harden (shield) myself.
Standing at that front door, with odd smells and different lights…adults speaking over me…my entire life crumpled in a black garbage bag. It was in that moment that I became someone I did not want to be.
I was well into my adulthood before I understood why I respond(ed) in certain ways to people or environments and it began with being in that constant state.
Was it difficult? Extremely.
Did it “save” me? Maybe.
Looking back, I recognize that I was fortunate. There were volunteers, programs, and other opportunities that allowed me to let my shield down a bit.
It was in those moments that I saw more of my true self.
